The convenience of fame.

The Convenience of Fame

I would love to be famous.

Because. It would be soooo

Convenient.

Right?

It would be.

Like, for instance, if I was incensed about a friend who was being unjustly treated (Witness my friend, Eliza and her ordeal with the family court) I could use my fame and my well-written statement to Rally the Cry, fight injustice and root out judges who humiliate and make it difficult and sometimes impossible for devoted, single parents to do their already taxing jobs of raising kids on their own.(just a hypothetical situation.) And in moments, the biased, unfair cheating thieves are exposed and chased from there seats of power!

Ha ha ha! All because of my well used fame.

(I could be like a slightly dumpy, girl version of George Clooney.)

See? Convenient.

And helpful.

Who wants injustice in the world?

Not to mention,

You can wear whatever you want and you be accused of looking disheveled.

They would just say, “Darcy’s very Street, today.”

No make up? “Darcy’s natural look is luminous these days.”

It would also be relaxing to be famous.

Totally.

Because…

There would be sustained financial stability.

I wouldn’t have to worry about…rent or health insurance.(I have health insurance because my family would kill me if I didn’t have it. I eat zucchini and eggs for weeks so I can give my health care provider several hundred dollars every month) Because when you are famous, more people see your work and the work is good(that’s assumed) and so more people give you opportunities to make even more work and I could get so much work done.

And people

Would pay

Top dollar

For my work.

Hmm.

It would be amazing.

My Projects would be finished.

In my life time!

I think about the artists who made the gothic cathedrals who worked all their lives and never saw the project completed. No fame then. At least not for peasants and workers. The glass workers and the stone carvers weren’t talking about try-outs for American Idol. But, boy, did they know how to make a holy place! Who’s been to a Gothic Cathedral? (I suppose without the tug of individual fame, you can really get work DONE. Sometimes, I would like to time travel.)

Another handy thing about fame these days:

Your family has an excuse for your quirky behavior.

Person: “Is Darcy still making sculptures out of hair and roses? Because that’s sort of…out there”

Family member(said with veiled relief) : “Yes, she is but, you know, … with her TV series and the all the books... The public seem to LOVE the roses and hair.”

Person: “Really?”

Family member: “Really. They are making action figures holding hairy roses; the kids love ‘em. I saw two girls playing pretend in the park with them the other day. She’s famous, what can I say?”

Person: “Hmm. Maybe I need to rethink my snap judgments about quirky behavior and art work in general.”

But when you are not famous, or making money, or married with kids, you are only quirky. Quirky… like making valentines out of bent nails, wax, graphite and duct tape and then complaining because no one wants those valentines. And the family members have to go back to spin control.

Here’s some examples:

*“Darcy is really on to something.”( said with big smile. They don’t believe it.)

*“Darcy’s got quite an imagination.”(nodding; pursing lips; averting their eyes.)

*“Darcy is really very gifted with children. Creative types are great for that. I’m sure a full time teaching job will be along soon.”(said with a slight chuckling and clearing the throat.)

Oh, Important: Let’s define my kind of Famous. I already mentioned the financial component. I want fame for being intelligent, articulate, very funny, insightful, ground breaking.

(NOT Paris Hilton famous.

Because who IS Paris Hilton? I get her mixed up with Jessica Simpson. What about Ashley Simpson? Is she a real person?

And just like I’m not making the neural investment to remember what kind of laundry detergent my best friend uses, I don’t need to know the difference between a Simpson and a Hilton. NOT reality show famous. Or, for that matter, Sarah Palin Famous. I don’t want to be famous for being less than intelligent and downright incompetent. No thanks.

Famous like Tina Fey, Wangari Maathi, Adam Bock, Emma Thompson, Jane Austen, Jackson Pollack, Joan of Arc(Umm, I might skip the burning-at-the-stake part. Going against the grain, yes.),Helen Mirren,JK Rowling, William Kentridge, Chris Cooper, Kenneth Branaugh, Louise Bougeous famous.

Someone Terri Gross on Fresh Air would interview. Terri Gross is the gold standard. (15 years ago, an Oscar nomination was the gold standard famous but now, while I’ll take that, I’ll take the nomination and the Oscar, I really want to be Terri Gross famous.

Terri Gross literally can’t conduct an interview with someone who is not interesting. Monika Lewinski walked off her show. Because she had nothing to say. Monika L is not Terri Gross Famous. She is Paris Hilton Famous

When you are Terri Gross famous, you never look bad.

Never.

For example(this is completely hypothetical):

You find yourself in Borders (not even some cool, hip indie bookstore, but Borders) at 7:30 on a Saturday night. And lo and behold, you are in the Self Help section. And THEN you are in the check out line about to buy, to invest money in these books:

*“He’s just not that into you”

*“How to get unstuck”

*“Fostering Self-Esteem”

When you are TG Famous, you are not sad, lonely, depressed and, let’s face it, a BIT of a loser.

Nope. When you are famous, you are simply “doing research” for a fabulous new script, or a challenging role you are playing or a biography you have been commissioned to write. And you have a hefty advance so you can go hog wild in the self-help section of Borders.

Fame is the best beard for desperate behavior.