The convenience of fame.

The Convenience of Fame

I would love to be famous.

Because. It would be soooo

Convenient.

Right?

It would be.

Like, for instance, if I was incensed about a friend who was being unjustly treated (Witness my friend, Eliza and her ordeal with the family court) I could use my fame and my well-written statement to Rally the Cry, fight injustice and root out judges who humiliate and make it difficult and sometimes impossible for devoted, single parents to do their already taxing jobs of raising kids on their own.(just a hypothetical situation.) And in moments, the biased, unfair cheating thieves are exposed and chased from there seats of power!

Ha ha ha! All because of my well used fame.

(I could be like a slightly dumpy, girl version of George Clooney.)

See? Convenient.

And helpful.

Who wants injustice in the world?

Not to mention,

You can wear whatever you want and you be accused of looking disheveled.

They would just say, “Darcy’s very Street, today.”

No make up? “Darcy’s natural look is luminous these days.”

It would also be relaxing to be famous.

Totally.

Because…

There would be sustained financial stability.

I wouldn’t have to worry about…rent or health insurance.(I have health insurance because my family would kill me if I didn’t have it. I eat zucchini and eggs for weeks so I can give my health care provider several hundred dollars every month) Because when you are famous, more people see your work and the work is good(that’s assumed) and so more people give you opportunities to make even more work and I could get so much work done.

And people

Would pay

Top dollar

For my work.

Hmm.

It would be amazing.

My Projects would be finished.

In my life time!

I think about the artists who made the gothic cathedrals who worked all their lives and never saw the project completed. No fame then. At least not for peasants and workers. The glass workers and the stone carvers weren’t talking about try-outs for American Idol. But, boy, did they know how to make a holy place! Who’s been to a Gothic Cathedral? (I suppose without the tug of individual fame, you can really get work DONE. Sometimes, I would like to time travel.)

Another handy thing about fame these days:

Your family has an excuse for your quirky behavior.

Person: “Is Darcy still making sculptures out of hair and roses? Because that’s sort of…out there”

Family member(said with veiled relief) : “Yes, she is but, you know, … with her TV series and the all the books... The public seem to LOVE the roses and hair.”

Person: “Really?”

Family member: “Really. They are making action figures holding hairy roses; the kids love ‘em. I saw two girls playing pretend in the park with them the other day. She’s famous, what can I say?”

Person: “Hmm. Maybe I need to rethink my snap judgments about quirky behavior and art work in general.”

But when you are not famous, or making money, or married with kids, you are only quirky. Quirky… like making valentines out of bent nails, wax, graphite and duct tape and then complaining because no one wants those valentines. And the family members have to go back to spin control.

Here’s some examples:

*“Darcy is really on to something.”( said with big smile. They don’t believe it.)

*“Darcy’s got quite an imagination.”(nodding; pursing lips; averting their eyes.)

*“Darcy is really very gifted with children. Creative types are great for that. I’m sure a full time teaching job will be along soon.”(said with a slight chuckling and clearing the throat.)

Oh, Important: Let’s define my kind of Famous. I already mentioned the financial component. I want fame for being intelligent, articulate, very funny, insightful, ground breaking.

(NOT Paris Hilton famous.

Because who IS Paris Hilton? I get her mixed up with Jessica Simpson. What about Ashley Simpson? Is she a real person?

And just like I’m not making the neural investment to remember what kind of laundry detergent my best friend uses, I don’t need to know the difference between a Simpson and a Hilton. NOT reality show famous. Or, for that matter, Sarah Palin Famous. I don’t want to be famous for being less than intelligent and downright incompetent. No thanks.

Famous like Tina Fey, Wangari Maathi, Adam Bock, Emma Thompson, Jane Austen, Jackson Pollack, Joan of Arc(Umm, I might skip the burning-at-the-stake part. Going against the grain, yes.),Helen Mirren,JK Rowling, William Kentridge, Chris Cooper, Kenneth Branaugh, Louise Bougeous famous.

Someone Terri Gross on Fresh Air would interview. Terri Gross is the gold standard. (15 years ago, an Oscar nomination was the gold standard famous but now, while I’ll take that, I’ll take the nomination and the Oscar, I really want to be Terri Gross famous.

Terri Gross literally can’t conduct an interview with someone who is not interesting. Monika Lewinski walked off her show. Because she had nothing to say. Monika L is not Terri Gross Famous. She is Paris Hilton Famous

When you are Terri Gross famous, you never look bad.

Never.

For example(this is completely hypothetical):

You find yourself in Borders (not even some cool, hip indie bookstore, but Borders) at 7:30 on a Saturday night. And lo and behold, you are in the Self Help section. And THEN you are in the check out line about to buy, to invest money in these books:

*“He’s just not that into you”

*“How to get unstuck”

*“Fostering Self-Esteem”

When you are TG Famous, you are not sad, lonely, depressed and, let’s face it, a BIT of a loser.

Nope. When you are famous, you are simply “doing research” for a fabulous new script, or a challenging role you are playing or a biography you have been commissioned to write. And you have a hefty advance so you can go hog wild in the self-help section of Borders.

Fame is the best beard for desperate behavior.

Anger, Cancer, Christ! dealing with dark thoughts...

Anger, Cancer, Christ!

Writing up Eliza's interview yesterday started me thinking--again about how to handle our are dark fantasies and ambivalent feelings. I found this meditation that I wrote when K was a baby. I'm so glad Eliza is my friend because her calmness and quiet sense of humor teach me how to move through the world without hurting myself or anyone else. Here is another approach, much less cool and philosophical than Liza's...

Yeah. I’m so angry, sometimes, I realize I’ve stopped breathing.

And, in terms of what makes me angry,

Take your pick!

-The fact that there are more than ten Americans that take Sarah Palin seriously; that just because she didn’t fall apart during her debate with Joe Biden means it was a SUCCESS, is unnerving and infuriating.

-Some people’s attitude toward breast-feeding and how they think I’m a hippy freak and I’m doing my son DAMAGE because I have nursed him longer than a year. Best quote from a family member:

“Maybe if you weaned him, you could pull yourself together.”

-My son who is two and a half still can’t quite sleep through the night. YEAH! Maybe a few days a week, he’ll only wake up once. But mostly, he wakes up two or three times. Last night, I was up with him five times.

*Even though I getting along really well with the father of my child, every now and then though, we disagree about parenting decisions and he will want a dossier submitted about why I introduced yogurt into the baby’s diet at 10 months.

And now I have to smile and be polite. Because I don’t want my son to have issues with his father. And I know I need to just stand back, hands up in the air so as not to touch or opinionate my son’s relationship with his father. Even if he asks bonehead questions about baby’s diet.

That said, there is a corner of my big Mama’s brain, that knows it is good that he asks because it means he cares.) Mostly, I’m salty that I have to explain myself when I would never do anything that doesn’t my child thriving everyday of his life. Yes, it’s the explanation that annoys and insults me. And, remember, I’m a tad overtired, so writing a cogent description of the benefits of local yogurt for babies, feels impossible and most likely I will have to skip a shower to write this.

And so… I give him updates on my baby as though I care what he thinks.

It’s the acting gig of my life.

Because of all this and much more,

I need another Chocolate Chip cookie the size of my head.

You see, if I eat enough cookies,I won’t lose the last 20 lbs from the high net gain of the pregnancy and I can be Invisible to men I might be attracted to.

This is good.

Because

I haven’t shown the very best judgment in terms of my choices of boyfriends.

So I’m dating cookies.

Even after the cookies and maybe some cookie dough, I'm still breathless and angry BUT

I can’t talk about it or act upon it. Because...

While Sarah Palin is a joke AND dumb( I think my favorite blooper was not knowing Africa was a continent), I can’t prevent her from running and, even writing about her here won’t prevent her from becoming a leader in our country. Because this is a DEMOCRACY.

I can’t say a thing to the family member who said: “maybe if you stopped nursing, you could pull yourself together.” Boy, every time I think of that one it blows my mind. Sort of a global insult. It means: you are too fat and you are making a scene nursing all the time and it's bad for the baby( maybe just like that strange white yogurt). Huh? But I can’t SAY anything to this person, because while she said this, she was folding my laundry, after just cleaning my kitchen and was about to go and do the marketing. Gotta keep my lips zipped.

I can’t tell K, my son, how I really feel because of aforementioned protection of his relationship with his father. AND because dad pitches in with child support with not a peep of complaints and when he sees his son, he is present and loving to him.

I can’t tell my son,for instance:

“ Your dad asks these questions about what I feed you to compensate for the fact that he doesn’t really want to be in the trenches with all the mess. For instance,once, when your father spent the night at our house, and in the morning, the toilet got blocked and flooded the bathroom and hallway and he didn’t get out of bed to help clean up. And when I said I didn’t have a plunger, he said, “Oh, well, I’m going to go home. Because I’m going to have to go to the bathroom soon. So. Bye.

Not so big on the helping-with-messy-messes, your dad. I hope when you grow up you pitch in and buy a plunger.”

But no way can I say that! Because that really would interrupt my kid getting to know his other parent. And, anyway, he will know soon enough.

And sometimes, with my friends, I give into the roiling, enraged monologues that run through my brain. And, the good people that my friends and family are, they listen. But very soon, their eyes glaze over. They have heard this before. And they sometimes, if they are tired too, they roll their eyes. Also it's a bit like describing in vivid detail the side-effects of chemo-therapy. People want to ask, to be polite, but they don't want the graphic detail of the color of your bile. Same with single parenting; people ask how it's going, to be polite but they don't want to hear how hard it is to be on taking care of a tiny human 24/7. They don't want to hear about the tears because the baby won't sleep for more than 3 hours at a time...for two years.

Because, they can’t take it in. And I don’t know where to put my ire.

So, I have to pretend that I’m not livid which is,

I am fairly certain,

HOW PEOPLE GET CANCER!

I’m not the one who is supposed to get cancer.

The bad people in the world are supposed to get cancer! The pedofiles, the murderers, the embezzlers, the people-who-consciously-make-other-people’s-lives-worse are the ones who should get cancer!

They can go through the fear and the assessment of their wasted lives; then they can go through the chemo alone and maybe make one real friend-maybe a saintly nurse-, and see they want to do GOOD with their life and whether they die or survive the cancer, they turn themselves around and no longer behave in a hurtful, selfish way.

Just like Darth Vader.( He saved Luke’s life. Died a good guy Jedi.)

THOSE are the people who should get ugly, nasty sick. Those bad, bad people who hurt others. They should nearly die or even die and leave the world a better place.

Whoa, those are some dark thought.

Yeah, I’m still full of dark thoughts.

(sigh)

And what if…

Having such dark thoughts…

Just thinking them( and writing them down)

Could give you…

CANCER!

Shit. I think you CAN get cancer like this!

Double shit.

I can't get cancer! Who would give my son his yogurt so the bacteria in his gut will be balanced when he tries new foods?

How do I get rid of the darkness?

Julia Cameron, author of “The Artists’ Way,” is right.

Anger IS fuel.

But what happens if you don’t or CAN’T burn that fuel?

Huh? What happens?

What happens if the fuel just sits there? In your gut, in your heart, in you spirit and isn’t combusted??

Exactly.

POISON!

Or, or, or, or…

That unused fuel, that un-combusted aggression, energy becomes…

A BOMB.

A bomb waiting to explode and kill innocent bystanders.

I don’t want to be a bomb.

I want to be a superlative mom.

(And a brilliant, successful, lucrative writer, but I don’t want to look greedy.)

And, so to avoid my inner bomb, exploding into the regular world,I need to…

I have to…

FORGIVE.

Oh my God! What a pain in my ass!

Like I don’t have ENOUGH to do!

-Being a mother AND a Father to my baby!

-Feeding both of us. And I’m the angry, stress eater, remember? so that’s a lot of food prep.

-Doing the laundry(NOT in my apartment; down four flights of stairs)(except when the nice family member does it; but she lives out of town, OK? So, back off.)

-Washing the dishes.

-Keeping the house picked up so that when K. grows up he won’t retaliate against my cluttered living and become anal retentive or OCD. And then blame me.

-And, from time to time, I have to bathe, not to mention wash my hair.

-And on TOP of All THAT I have to forgive Sarah Palin for being ignorant and a horrible role model for women. I have to forgive this do-gooding family member because they really just love me. (But they would love me more if I were thinner.and I didn't nurse my baby in public.) And I have to forgive K’s father for asking too many questions about YOGURT!

AHHH!

I know! I know. I know.

I can’t be FREEEEEE

Unless I forgive

Blah, Blah, Blah!

I’ll be able to run faster, breathe deeper, write better, find a kick-ass publisher quicker, lose 20 pounds in days—and keep it off, and LEAP tall buildings…

If I Forgivvvvvvve

OK, I need to go to a workshop on Forgiveness.

I’d love to chat with Pema Chödrön. She is a Tibetan Buddhist Nun who teaches stuff like this.

She teaches the practice of Tonglen:

What you do, (well, make sure you are breathing, for starters…) is you breathe in all the gross bad stuff

So, bad feelings, dark thoughts, murder plots, growling, drooling, inarticulate vitriol. BREATHE that IN! Take it IN. Rather than push it away. And don’t panic.

I KNOW! It’s really hard

and counterintuitive!

THEN when you exhale, you send out into the world the antidote, the remedy to the bile, the GOOD stuff.

So, happy thoughts, light, images of chocolate chip cookies, rainbows, images of books(even other people’s books) in bookstores, lavender fields, a paid mortgage, general good stuff.

So, in my case it would be sending out deep breaths, calmness, acceptance and

Not caring if the bad people are dead or alive…

Well… that last part’s not quite right.

It needs some tweeking.

Not so sure that would pass muster with Pema.

Who ELSE does workshops on Forgivness???

OH!

Well…obvious…

Jesus Christ.

Duh!!

The foundation of all Christian Doctrine is forgivness.

Right, Right, Right.

Poor guy. He preaches,‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you,’ and ‘turn the other cheek.’ All of those incredibly difficult and counter-intuitive forgiveness exercises. And then the guy is crucified. Do you know how it works? Slow motion suffocation!

Yeah, speaking of being breathless with anger....

That's got to be at the top of my list for most lonely and harrowing way to die. Yikes.

And then he supposedly now spends eternity forgiving people’s sins.

Yeah… Jesus Christ was a lunatic.

The Cautionary Tale of Eliza B in Family Court

The Cautionary Tale of Eliza B.

I have been trying to write Eliza’s true story that has new twists and turns everyday for weeks. Every time, though, I try to write a cogent, informative narrative, I get so whipped up that the writing goes all histrionic and spitting mad. Suddenly it’s a vitriolic diatribe against misogynists of all kinds. So, because I know that there are plenty of you parents that could benefit and learn from Eliza’s travails, I decided to simply interview her.

As a quick introduction: Eliza is a friend from childhood. We grew up dreaming and planning of being moms and (she) a teacher and (me) a writer. And, needless to say we dreamed of our perfect mates. All our dreams came true. Except the perfect mates. Now while the father of my child is not my soul mate we are good friends and are a great coparenting team. Eliza, on the other hand, does not have my luck. Without going into too much detail( because I will start spitting), the man she co-parents with is not helpful and, in a nutshell, does not have a child-centric thinking process. Eliza, since she is the diametric opposite, meaning she loves loves loves being a mom and is committed to building a life that will allow her daughter to thrive. One would think that someone like Eliza would have gobs of support from the courts. Not so.

Here is some of her advise from the crazy upside down hell that is the Family Court.

Action Points and Advise for Single Parents dealing with Famliy Court

1. Find a confidante advisor with whom you can blow off stream and be really angry.(Because funneling anger into legal dealings will only hurt you)

2. Research the judges and lawyers of your particular Family Court. See what their biases are.(Do this before you retain a lawyer.)

3. Bad judge? See if there is a escape clause.(In Eliza’s city the code is called CCP code 170.6. And you must invoke it moments after you are assigned a judge.) If you are assigned to a judge that has shown bias against people like you in the past, you can invoke this clause and get a different judge.

4. Always take the high road. Remember that all written communications(emails too!) are admissible in court so when you write an email to your co-parent, you are writing to the judge too. You are showing who you are as a parent.

5. Always take the high road in ALL communications. Save the dark thoughts for trusted friends, and family.

6. Step out of the way of your child’s relationship with their other parent. (This is hard to do but necessary. The pay-offs are immediate. It strengthens your relationship to your child.)Make sure there is a non-disparagement clause in the legal agreements.

7. Find the perfect lawyer.(It took Eliza three times to find the right person.) Someone who knows the fiefdome of your Family Court; someone who knows and respects your situation; someone who is sensitive to the difficulties but who does not mince words. Someone who listens. Someone who supports you.

8. Proceed as though you are your child’s only advocate. (If you discover that there are other parties that have your child’s interests as their first priority, rejoice.)

9. Child Support payments; Right of First Refusal; visitation schedules. Get them in place ASAP.

Darcy: Thanks for talking to me, Liza. I just couldn’t get this down by myself. I would alternate from disbelief to florid indignation when I think about what you are going through.

Eliza: Yeah. It’s too bad that all that anger doesn’t serve you in the situation but actually, I’ve learned, if you don’t watch out, it can hurt you. At least, in my situation, with my particular court, my particular judge.

Darcy: OK, so, tell what your situation is.

Eliza: A friend said something pretty astute the other day which, I think, explains the egregious behavior of Olivia’s father. She said: “He is just mad that you had the baby. So he is taking it out on you.”

Darcy: Oh. Wow. That makes so much sense because you weren’t…you weren’t married when you—

Eliza: Not even close. We were together for five weeks. We had just “broken up” because he was still ‘thinking’ about his ex-wife. Then five days later I found out I was pregnant.

Darcy: and then he sent the first of those horrid emails. What were some quotes?

Eliza: Umm. Well…this isn’t really relevant… to the legal stuff.

Darcy: I’m just trying to paint a picture. It’s not like you were working with a high quality individual. If you WERE working with someone cool, then you might not be shackled by all these legal proceedings, right?

Eliza: True. If he had been cool and great, we might even be married, but that’s too sad to think about.

Darcy: Well, but you will be married to someone fabulous. I SEE it. But how does this petulant behavior manifest?

Eliza: Umm—I’ll try to keep this short—OK. My daughter is four now and we still don’t have a set schedule for visits in place. Her father alternates from not showing up to his visits with her, to accusing me of keeping the child from him, to filing with the court for more visitation, to complaining that he does too much driving, to accusing me of hiding money[laughs]( I wish I was the Count of Monte Cristo, but no.) He has filed to impute me with income because I have decided to “stay home and not work” One big bomb he dropped was writing to my parents(whom he does not know) and saying that I am an incompetent mother among other things. He threatened to prevent Olivia from returning to her amazing preschool in the fall-with no alternate plan, no ideas for other preschools-- because he didn’t want to drive her one morning a week. But—wait-- in many ways, this guy’s moral fiber is not relevant--

Darcy: Wait, oh yeah. I remember that one. Boy, it takes a certain kind of someone to be tactical with a child’s education. But can he do that? Can he prevent her from going to that preschool?

Eliza: Absolutely. He is one of her legal guardians and if he doesn’t sign and/or refuses to sign, there is a problem. Now, you also have to look at the best interests of the child. And in this case, Olivia’s thriving at her preschool, he has been to the events and come to the parent teacher conferences. It would be an uphill battle for him to say that she should change schools.

Darcy: So…why does he do that? Why threaten you like that?

Eliza: Because he knows how important this preschool and education is to me. He is poking me. And, he wants what he wants. He lives 20 miles away from us. His girlfriend lives 40 miles from us. He is grumpy about the driving.

Darcy: And he is taking it out on you. That he has to drive. What a guy. It’s guys like him that make me want to change teams. I’m still not over that email he first sent you when you were pregnant.”If you loved me, you would not go through with this pregnancy.” Weren’t you broken up?

Eliza: Yep. And he was seeing someone else at the time. But, can we get back to the legal—

Darcy: Didn’t he say he felt like he was reverse raped?

Eliza: yes. But-- this is important-- I had said in my “I’m pregnant” email that I was going to have the baby and I released him of any responsibility to the child. I thought at the time that was all I had to do. but no way, no how do I have anything like that kind of power. In the eyes of the law, if the paternity is proven(which it was with a test) then the father has rock solid rights to be in the child’s life. With those rights comes rock solid responsibilities to help and support the child until they are an adult. Translation: Money.

Darcy: And…you didn’t know at the time that this guy has ISSUES with money, right? Like a fricken’ Moliére play. Enter, L’Avare/ “the Miser”.

Eliza: yeah. Pretty much. There is a lot I didn’t know about him when I was pregnant that would have scared the crap out of me. Probably good, while I was pregnant that I didn’t know what I know now.

Darcy: Like the girlfriend he had. Ugh. She was so mean with her Marsha Brady hair and, like, just venom dripping from nails. She practically pushed me at that ceremony for Olivia.

Eliza: Yeah, but now we know why. He didn’t tell her that I was I was having his kid until I was 8 months pregnant and the night he told his her, she told him SHE was pregnant. And he said I can’t deal with this. He said to her, “If you loved me, you’d get an abortion.” And she did.

Darcy: Just like he said to you! gross, gross, GROSS! Makes my skin crawl How do you know that?

Eliza: Because he told me.( for a while we were on good terms and we talking and getting along but since the letter he wrote to my parents, it is strictly business. Cordial but no longer friends.) That’s not even the end of the pregnant girlfriend story. She got pregnant again and miscarried and then he broke up with her.

Darcy: That. Is. Disgusting. Every time I hear all these stories…How does this progressive, forward-thinking world produce such disgusting men!?

Eliza: I don’t know. That’s not even the end of that sordid story but we are really off track. Mostly because none of this, and I mean NONE of these antics matter to the court. So.

Darcy: OK, fair enough. Let’s be productive and look at the list. Sorry. My head is a swirling mess of vitriol.

Eliza: And I love you for it, dear friend. But. when dealing with family court, you have to find another container for the vitriol. Because it won’t serve you in this setting. AND it won’t help your child. Legally. It will slow down the judicial process, gum up the works and you have to think straight and unemotionally when dealing with the law.

Darcy: So, you are saying “just don’t be angry”? Isn’t that a bit like saying “If you are swimming and see a shark, don’t be afraid because sharks can smell fear.”? I mean…

Eliza: No. I’m not saying that. Of course, you feel a panoply of things and there is enough anger to run a power station. But find some trusted confidantes that will listen and laugh and not try to fix things. It’s really good to find another single parent, preferably one whose kids are older. I am really lucky. I have a consigliore who has seen it all. I call her when I can’t see straight.

Darcy: OK! Good number one action point: find a consigliore. What is next?

Eliza: Get to know the players/judges of your particular Family Court. Go online and find a friend who is a lawyer or friends with a lawyer who can give you a tour. Figure out what the going definition of “progressive” and “reactionary” is in your particular court in your particular city. Now it’s very cool to support the dads(again, in my cool and hip coastal city). So, when paternity is established, if the dads want to be involved, my judge tends to fall over herself giving him what they want.

Darcy: Example? The name thing?

Eliza: Exactly. So Olivia’s father sued to have her name changed. He wanted her to have his last name. I did a spit take when I read that. And-everyone, EVERYONE- couldn’t imagine a judge finding in favor of a name change when the Dad had stated he didn’t want the baby. Because, and this was my thinking—how does this benefit the child? He didn’t offer any assistance during the pregnancy. By that I mean, writing abusive emails, no help with prenatal costs… or setting up the house…nothing. Anyway, you get it. We’ve painted the picture of this guy.

But. Not only did the judge find in his favor and call for the name change, this is what she said,(in a snide, sarcastic voice): “Well, this child HAS four names, I think ONE of them, could be the father’s surname. I am not in the habit of naming children but if you two can’t come up with a viable option with the father’s surname in it, I WILL NAME this child!”

Darcy: That’s just…it’s just breath-taking. Why would a woman judge in the FAMILY court speak to a new single mother like that? So disrespectful! Aghhh. OH, what did she say when you said you had to go home and nurse?

Eliza: She rolled her eyes and said, “OH, I don’t have time for THIS!” Yeah, and that was when Livvy was 5 months old. But, I didn’t know enough. And THAT day, my lawyer set me up because he didn’t tell me we needed to stay for an orientation. He was SO the wrong lawyer for me.

OH, that’s important: If when you interview a lawyer and they start talking trash about opposing counsel, which happened to me with lawyer #2, run away. My family court is a small playground. If you are going to survive and stay cool as a lawyer, you will get along with everyone.

Livvy’s father had much more knowledge about Family Court going in. He got one of the top family lawyers and, it just so happened that, his lawyer was best friends with…the judge.

Darcy: It’s such a nightmare. But, let’s make it productive: Action point #2 Learn about the playing field and all the players!

Eliza: Yes. I would say know the judge first. But find a source who works amongst these people. Do research or find a friend in the family court who knows all the players. In my city, Family Court is a tiny fiefdom everyone knows everyone. They all know the idosyncracies of the different judges and lawyers.

Darcy: And you can’t change judges?

Eliza: No. Not at this point. BUT had I known what I know now, I could have. There is a civil code (ccp 170.6) that states that you have reason to believe that this judge will be biased against your case, you can change. I found out about this, not from my lawyers, but from a friend just out of law school. I understand that a lawyer would never advise me to invoke that code because they would lose street cred with the judge.( Only two judges in this Family Court, even though it’s a big city.) So, it’s something critical for us, the clients, to know.

Darcy: so, you could have changed judges, but now it’s too late?

Eliza: Yes. But not too late for people reading this! It’s one of the main reasons I’m talking to you. So other people don’t have to go through this hell. (While at the same time, raise a child on my own.)

Darcy: It’s just sick that there is so little support out there for single parents! It makes me want to take to the streets.

Eliza: Me too. But, but that’s a lot of time. It’s also a lot of time thinking about people I don’t really respect or admire. And—and—I don’t want that to be all I do. My time with Livvy as a little girl have been interrupted enough by all these legal shenanigans. Protesting and fighting the good fight will require more babysitters and I’d rather do watercolors with my daughter.

Darcy: Such a good point.

Eliza: Although, according to my judge, if I’m not working a 50 hour work week, I’m a bad mother. She has it in for single mothers at home. It’s documented. (I googled her and I can not recommend it. Finding more reasons to be frustrated with the person with so much power over my and my daughter’s happiness was not productive.) I do see now, though that some of her rulings are really slapping me on the wrist. I can’t quite wrap my mind around a woman and a mother not supporting other mothers. But, my lawyer said that women who are in the work place can be weird about women who see mothering as their vocation. And that’s definitely the case here.

Darcy: Oh my god, she is from hell.

Eliza: I can’t disagree. But, that IS the hell of family court. Nothing makes sense. Nothing is geared toward the child’s best interest. Not in my case, anyway. My lawyer(I have the perfect lawyer now—took three times, but now he is great.) says that I have to always remember that there is the real world and the world of Family Court. And on many accounts never the twain shall meet.

Darcy:AGHHHH. The system is FLAWED!!

Eliza: Indeed it is, sister. But shouting that from the rooftops is not going to serve Olivia.

Darcy: OK. Good point. Good point. It’s a razors edge. Isn’t it? Dealing with the legal stuff, supporting your child and not…not stamping and shouting and crying and falling into a vortex of self-pity.

Eliza: At least do the last part in private; and preferably not for too long. With friends. You know like this.

Darcy: God. Every time I think of your story, and don’t, don’t—I hope this is OK to say—but it makes me feel so lucky about MY situation! I mean, K’s Dad, is so chill! He is on it! I mean, I wish he hadn’t shown K Star Wars, because there were some nightmares but. BUT for the big stuff…we agree. He helps me so much!

Eliza: Of COURSE, that’s cool to say! Another boon about talking about this is so people who have great parenting partners can, you know, appreciate them. And I’d say, tell him! Get him a present!

Darcy: I am going to. I’m going to get him some of his favorite coffee!

Eliza: You go. But, hey, I thought of something; about all the legal stuff: when I was circling the drain a bit ago, my super wise aunt Em gave me a quote that I keep close to my heart.

“What you pay attention to, becomes your life”

I think William James said that. And, there is no getting working on these legal matters(because Olivia’s father is just too selfish and doesn’t think enough about her). But I refuse to let this become my life. My life is about being a great mother to Olivia and being a strong artist and teacher. That’s my life. The rest is admin duties. So these interruptions will not get the real passions of my life.

Darcy: That’s a perfect note to end on today. We will pick up tomorrow with “Taking the High Road.” Ha.

Eliza: Thanks for doing this Darcy. I hope it helps.

Darcy: And just for grins I want to show everyone the image I found of your judge…