The Cautionary Tale of Eliza B in Family Court

The Cautionary Tale of Eliza B.

I have been trying to write Eliza’s true story that has new twists and turns everyday for weeks. Every time, though, I try to write a cogent, informative narrative, I get so whipped up that the writing goes all histrionic and spitting mad. Suddenly it’s a vitriolic diatribe against misogynists of all kinds. So, because I know that there are plenty of you parents that could benefit and learn from Eliza’s travails, I decided to simply interview her.

As a quick introduction: Eliza is a friend from childhood. We grew up dreaming and planning of being moms and (she) a teacher and (me) a writer. And, needless to say we dreamed of our perfect mates. All our dreams came true. Except the perfect mates. Now while the father of my child is not my soul mate we are good friends and are a great coparenting team. Eliza, on the other hand, does not have my luck. Without going into too much detail( because I will start spitting), the man she co-parents with is not helpful and, in a nutshell, does not have a child-centric thinking process. Eliza, since she is the diametric opposite, meaning she loves loves loves being a mom and is committed to building a life that will allow her daughter to thrive. One would think that someone like Eliza would have gobs of support from the courts. Not so.

Here is some of her advise from the crazy upside down hell that is the Family Court.

Action Points and Advise for Single Parents dealing with Famliy Court

1. Find a confidante advisor with whom you can blow off stream and be really angry.(Because funneling anger into legal dealings will only hurt you)

2. Research the judges and lawyers of your particular Family Court. See what their biases are.(Do this before you retain a lawyer.)

3. Bad judge? See if there is a escape clause.(In Eliza’s city the code is called CCP code 170.6. And you must invoke it moments after you are assigned a judge.) If you are assigned to a judge that has shown bias against people like you in the past, you can invoke this clause and get a different judge.

4. Always take the high road. Remember that all written communications(emails too!) are admissible in court so when you write an email to your co-parent, you are writing to the judge too. You are showing who you are as a parent.

5. Always take the high road in ALL communications. Save the dark thoughts for trusted friends, and family.

6. Step out of the way of your child’s relationship with their other parent. (This is hard to do but necessary. The pay-offs are immediate. It strengthens your relationship to your child.)Make sure there is a non-disparagement clause in the legal agreements.

7. Find the perfect lawyer.(It took Eliza three times to find the right person.) Someone who knows the fiefdome of your Family Court; someone who knows and respects your situation; someone who is sensitive to the difficulties but who does not mince words. Someone who listens. Someone who supports you.

8. Proceed as though you are your child’s only advocate. (If you discover that there are other parties that have your child’s interests as their first priority, rejoice.)

9. Child Support payments; Right of First Refusal; visitation schedules. Get them in place ASAP.

Darcy: Thanks for talking to me, Liza. I just couldn’t get this down by myself. I would alternate from disbelief to florid indignation when I think about what you are going through.

Eliza: Yeah. It’s too bad that all that anger doesn’t serve you in the situation but actually, I’ve learned, if you don’t watch out, it can hurt you. At least, in my situation, with my particular court, my particular judge.

Darcy: OK, so, tell what your situation is.

Eliza: A friend said something pretty astute the other day which, I think, explains the egregious behavior of Olivia’s father. She said: “He is just mad that you had the baby. So he is taking it out on you.”

Darcy: Oh. Wow. That makes so much sense because you weren’t…you weren’t married when you—

Eliza: Not even close. We were together for five weeks. We had just “broken up” because he was still ‘thinking’ about his ex-wife. Then five days later I found out I was pregnant.

Darcy: and then he sent the first of those horrid emails. What were some quotes?

Eliza: Umm. Well…this isn’t really relevant… to the legal stuff.

Darcy: I’m just trying to paint a picture. It’s not like you were working with a high quality individual. If you WERE working with someone cool, then you might not be shackled by all these legal proceedings, right?

Eliza: True. If he had been cool and great, we might even be married, but that’s too sad to think about.

Darcy: Well, but you will be married to someone fabulous. I SEE it. But how does this petulant behavior manifest?

Eliza: Umm—I’ll try to keep this short—OK. My daughter is four now and we still don’t have a set schedule for visits in place. Her father alternates from not showing up to his visits with her, to accusing me of keeping the child from him, to filing with the court for more visitation, to complaining that he does too much driving, to accusing me of hiding money[laughs]( I wish I was the Count of Monte Cristo, but no.) He has filed to impute me with income because I have decided to “stay home and not work” One big bomb he dropped was writing to my parents(whom he does not know) and saying that I am an incompetent mother among other things. He threatened to prevent Olivia from returning to her amazing preschool in the fall-with no alternate plan, no ideas for other preschools-- because he didn’t want to drive her one morning a week. But—wait-- in many ways, this guy’s moral fiber is not relevant--

Darcy: Wait, oh yeah. I remember that one. Boy, it takes a certain kind of someone to be tactical with a child’s education. But can he do that? Can he prevent her from going to that preschool?

Eliza: Absolutely. He is one of her legal guardians and if he doesn’t sign and/or refuses to sign, there is a problem. Now, you also have to look at the best interests of the child. And in this case, Olivia’s thriving at her preschool, he has been to the events and come to the parent teacher conferences. It would be an uphill battle for him to say that she should change schools.

Darcy: So…why does he do that? Why threaten you like that?

Eliza: Because he knows how important this preschool and education is to me. He is poking me. And, he wants what he wants. He lives 20 miles away from us. His girlfriend lives 40 miles from us. He is grumpy about the driving.

Darcy: And he is taking it out on you. That he has to drive. What a guy. It’s guys like him that make me want to change teams. I’m still not over that email he first sent you when you were pregnant.”If you loved me, you would not go through with this pregnancy.” Weren’t you broken up?

Eliza: Yep. And he was seeing someone else at the time. But, can we get back to the legal—

Darcy: Didn’t he say he felt like he was reverse raped?

Eliza: yes. But-- this is important-- I had said in my “I’m pregnant” email that I was going to have the baby and I released him of any responsibility to the child. I thought at the time that was all I had to do. but no way, no how do I have anything like that kind of power. In the eyes of the law, if the paternity is proven(which it was with a test) then the father has rock solid rights to be in the child’s life. With those rights comes rock solid responsibilities to help and support the child until they are an adult. Translation: Money.

Darcy: And…you didn’t know at the time that this guy has ISSUES with money, right? Like a fricken’ Moliére play. Enter, L’Avare/ “the Miser”.

Eliza: yeah. Pretty much. There is a lot I didn’t know about him when I was pregnant that would have scared the crap out of me. Probably good, while I was pregnant that I didn’t know what I know now.

Darcy: Like the girlfriend he had. Ugh. She was so mean with her Marsha Brady hair and, like, just venom dripping from nails. She practically pushed me at that ceremony for Olivia.

Eliza: Yeah, but now we know why. He didn’t tell her that I was I was having his kid until I was 8 months pregnant and the night he told his her, she told him SHE was pregnant. And he said I can’t deal with this. He said to her, “If you loved me, you’d get an abortion.” And she did.

Darcy: Just like he said to you! gross, gross, GROSS! Makes my skin crawl How do you know that?

Eliza: Because he told me.( for a while we were on good terms and we talking and getting along but since the letter he wrote to my parents, it is strictly business. Cordial but no longer friends.) That’s not even the end of the pregnant girlfriend story. She got pregnant again and miscarried and then he broke up with her.

Darcy: That. Is. Disgusting. Every time I hear all these stories…How does this progressive, forward-thinking world produce such disgusting men!?

Eliza: I don’t know. That’s not even the end of that sordid story but we are really off track. Mostly because none of this, and I mean NONE of these antics matter to the court. So.

Darcy: OK, fair enough. Let’s be productive and look at the list. Sorry. My head is a swirling mess of vitriol.

Eliza: And I love you for it, dear friend. But. when dealing with family court, you have to find another container for the vitriol. Because it won’t serve you in this setting. AND it won’t help your child. Legally. It will slow down the judicial process, gum up the works and you have to think straight and unemotionally when dealing with the law.

Darcy: So, you are saying “just don’t be angry”? Isn’t that a bit like saying “If you are swimming and see a shark, don’t be afraid because sharks can smell fear.”? I mean…

Eliza: No. I’m not saying that. Of course, you feel a panoply of things and there is enough anger to run a power station. But find some trusted confidantes that will listen and laugh and not try to fix things. It’s really good to find another single parent, preferably one whose kids are older. I am really lucky. I have a consigliore who has seen it all. I call her when I can’t see straight.

Darcy: OK! Good number one action point: find a consigliore. What is next?

Eliza: Get to know the players/judges of your particular Family Court. Go online and find a friend who is a lawyer or friends with a lawyer who can give you a tour. Figure out what the going definition of “progressive” and “reactionary” is in your particular court in your particular city. Now it’s very cool to support the dads(again, in my cool and hip coastal city). So, when paternity is established, if the dads want to be involved, my judge tends to fall over herself giving him what they want.

Darcy: Example? The name thing?

Eliza: Exactly. So Olivia’s father sued to have her name changed. He wanted her to have his last name. I did a spit take when I read that. And-everyone, EVERYONE- couldn’t imagine a judge finding in favor of a name change when the Dad had stated he didn’t want the baby. Because, and this was my thinking—how does this benefit the child? He didn’t offer any assistance during the pregnancy. By that I mean, writing abusive emails, no help with prenatal costs… or setting up the house…nothing. Anyway, you get it. We’ve painted the picture of this guy.

But. Not only did the judge find in his favor and call for the name change, this is what she said,(in a snide, sarcastic voice): “Well, this child HAS four names, I think ONE of them, could be the father’s surname. I am not in the habit of naming children but if you two can’t come up with a viable option with the father’s surname in it, I WILL NAME this child!”

Darcy: That’s just…it’s just breath-taking. Why would a woman judge in the FAMILY court speak to a new single mother like that? So disrespectful! Aghhh. OH, what did she say when you said you had to go home and nurse?

Eliza: She rolled her eyes and said, “OH, I don’t have time for THIS!” Yeah, and that was when Livvy was 5 months old. But, I didn’t know enough. And THAT day, my lawyer set me up because he didn’t tell me we needed to stay for an orientation. He was SO the wrong lawyer for me.

OH, that’s important: If when you interview a lawyer and they start talking trash about opposing counsel, which happened to me with lawyer #2, run away. My family court is a small playground. If you are going to survive and stay cool as a lawyer, you will get along with everyone.

Livvy’s father had much more knowledge about Family Court going in. He got one of the top family lawyers and, it just so happened that, his lawyer was best friends with…the judge.

Darcy: It’s such a nightmare. But, let’s make it productive: Action point #2 Learn about the playing field and all the players!

Eliza: Yes. I would say know the judge first. But find a source who works amongst these people. Do research or find a friend in the family court who knows all the players. In my city, Family Court is a tiny fiefdom everyone knows everyone. They all know the idosyncracies of the different judges and lawyers.

Darcy: And you can’t change judges?

Eliza: No. Not at this point. BUT had I known what I know now, I could have. There is a civil code (ccp 170.6) that states that you have reason to believe that this judge will be biased against your case, you can change. I found out about this, not from my lawyers, but from a friend just out of law school. I understand that a lawyer would never advise me to invoke that code because they would lose street cred with the judge.( Only two judges in this Family Court, even though it’s a big city.) So, it’s something critical for us, the clients, to know.

Darcy: so, you could have changed judges, but now it’s too late?

Eliza: Yes. But not too late for people reading this! It’s one of the main reasons I’m talking to you. So other people don’t have to go through this hell. (While at the same time, raise a child on my own.)

Darcy: It’s just sick that there is so little support out there for single parents! It makes me want to take to the streets.

Eliza: Me too. But, but that’s a lot of time. It’s also a lot of time thinking about people I don’t really respect or admire. And—and—I don’t want that to be all I do. My time with Livvy as a little girl have been interrupted enough by all these legal shenanigans. Protesting and fighting the good fight will require more babysitters and I’d rather do watercolors with my daughter.

Darcy: Such a good point.

Eliza: Although, according to my judge, if I’m not working a 50 hour work week, I’m a bad mother. She has it in for single mothers at home. It’s documented. (I googled her and I can not recommend it. Finding more reasons to be frustrated with the person with so much power over my and my daughter’s happiness was not productive.) I do see now, though that some of her rulings are really slapping me on the wrist. I can’t quite wrap my mind around a woman and a mother not supporting other mothers. But, my lawyer said that women who are in the work place can be weird about women who see mothering as their vocation. And that’s definitely the case here.

Darcy: Oh my god, she is from hell.

Eliza: I can’t disagree. But, that IS the hell of family court. Nothing makes sense. Nothing is geared toward the child’s best interest. Not in my case, anyway. My lawyer(I have the perfect lawyer now—took three times, but now he is great.) says that I have to always remember that there is the real world and the world of Family Court. And on many accounts never the twain shall meet.

Darcy:AGHHHH. The system is FLAWED!!

Eliza: Indeed it is, sister. But shouting that from the rooftops is not going to serve Olivia.

Darcy: OK. Good point. Good point. It’s a razors edge. Isn’t it? Dealing with the legal stuff, supporting your child and not…not stamping and shouting and crying and falling into a vortex of self-pity.

Eliza: At least do the last part in private; and preferably not for too long. With friends. You know like this.

Darcy: God. Every time I think of your story, and don’t, don’t—I hope this is OK to say—but it makes me feel so lucky about MY situation! I mean, K’s Dad, is so chill! He is on it! I mean, I wish he hadn’t shown K Star Wars, because there were some nightmares but. BUT for the big stuff…we agree. He helps me so much!

Eliza: Of COURSE, that’s cool to say! Another boon about talking about this is so people who have great parenting partners can, you know, appreciate them. And I’d say, tell him! Get him a present!

Darcy: I am going to. I’m going to get him some of his favorite coffee!

Eliza: You go. But, hey, I thought of something; about all the legal stuff: when I was circling the drain a bit ago, my super wise aunt Em gave me a quote that I keep close to my heart.

“What you pay attention to, becomes your life”

I think William James said that. And, there is no getting working on these legal matters(because Olivia’s father is just too selfish and doesn’t think enough about her). But I refuse to let this become my life. My life is about being a great mother to Olivia and being a strong artist and teacher. That’s my life. The rest is admin duties. So these interruptions will not get the real passions of my life.

Darcy: That’s a perfect note to end on today. We will pick up tomorrow with “Taking the High Road.” Ha.

Eliza: Thanks for doing this Darcy. I hope it helps.

Darcy: And just for grins I want to show everyone the image I found of your judge…